Drunken Sailor
by Josain Chennuth
Summary: What do you do with a drunken sailor, early in the morning? Well, Gil, Gonzo, and Jonas will all have to put their heads together to get their first mate sober before their captain finds out. {Implied Huma}


**Hello again! I was in a one-shot mood today, and I found this idea in my long list of WIPs. It's based on the song Drunken Sailor. Look it up, at least the lyrics, before reading! Also, if you can't understand Harry, just say his dialogue out loud. It'll help.**

* * *

It was a delightful Sunday morning on the Isle of the Lost. Well, it was about as delightful as it gets around here. Villains and villain kids alike were just finishing their sweet nightmares, and a few patrons even spotted the otherwise empty streets. The Wharf was still, and the waves were steady. It was so quiet aboard the ships that, even from a mile away, you could hear a crewmate of the _Lost Revenge_ say:

"We're dead."

The crewmate was Gil, and he stood on the ship with Gonzo and Jonas on either side of him. The rest of the crew was either still asleep or, in the case of their captain, finishing up the night shift and starting the breakfast rush. All three pirates were staring at the ground in shock. Lying there on the damp wood deck was their crew's first mate, dazed and drunk as hell.

"What do you mean 'we're dead?'" Gonzo objected accusingly, "Harry's the one who fell off the wagon. Uma'll have his head for drinking this early in the morning."

"But _we're_ the ones who stole the rum from Ursula's kitchen," Jonas interjected. It was true. Jonas and Gonzo snagged a few bottles from Ursula's store while Uma was on break and brought them to the ship. At first, Harry stopped them and told them to put them back, but then they challenged him to a drinking battle. Gil also joined in on the fun. Long story short: Never challenge a pirate captain's son to a drinking battle. You will pass out before he's even tipsy, and then he'll proceed to drown himself in booze until he can't even hold a bottle let alone stand.

"Shut up, Jonas," Gonzo told him.

"Yeah, shaddap Jonaaas," Harry slurred from the ground before snorting and snickering like a lunatic.

"We're definitely dead," Gil reaffirmed.

"Don't worry, we just need to make sure Uma doesn't see him until he's sober," Gonzo said, picking up Harry's coat and tossing it on top of him. He turned to the other two and shared his plan. "Jonas and I will take him to his room. Gil, you go find some kind of remedy for hangovers and bring plenty of it. It's not just for Harry."

It's just as he said. All three of them were burdened with their own headaches from their failed attempt to beat Harry in a drinking contest.

Jonas and Gonzo bent down to pick Harry up, Gonzo hooking his arms under Harry's and Jonas grabbing his legs. Harry was too blitzed to doing anything but mumble incoherent nothings while they slowly carried him towards the entrance to the lower deck. Gil watched them go. As soon as they were off the deck, Gil became aware of another presence on the ship.

"Morning, Gil," Gil nearly jumped out of his skin as he whirled around to face his captain. As their luck would have it, Uma chose to skip the breakfast rush today. She casually walked onto the ship with a neutral expression, so Gil assumed she didn't see Jonas and Gonzo cart Harry away. "Anybody else awake?"

"Um, no, I don't think so," Gil said with uncertainty, scratching the back of his head.

Uma shrugged and nodded her head. "Okay. Make sure everyone's up by noon. We're having a meeting at one."

"Aye aye, captain," Gil said with a salute. Uma smirked and turned to leave, but Gil remembered he had a mission with which Uma might be able to help. She had to deal with drunk pirates all the time, right? All he had to do was make sure she didn't know the context. "Hey, wait a sec," he called after her.

"Hm?" Uma turned back to face him.

"Um," Gil looked up in thought, trying to piece together his question and not make it sound like it applied to them in any way. "Just out of curiosity, would you happen to know what to do with a drunken sailor?"

Uma scrunched her face in confusion. "You mean the song?"

"The _song?"_ Gil repeated questioningly.

"Yeah, you know," Uma said before clearing her throat and humming the tune. _"What do you do with a drunken sailor, what do you do with a drunken sailor, what do you do with a drunken sailor, early in the morning."_

"Oh right, that's exactly what I was talking about," Gil agreed enthusiastically, nodding his head a little too aggressively. He never actually heard the song, but he wondered if it would somehow be helpful. He twiddled his thumbs and quickly came up with a story. "I need to know the lyrics for a project at Dragon Hall. Could you write them down for me?"

Uma narrowed her eyes and looked him up and down. This was Gil, the son of a villain who notoriously hates books, asking for her help with a school project assigned by a school that doesn't care about grades, and he actually intended to do it. She was skeptical, but who was she to tell him no? She may be his captain but, unless it interfered with their crew duties, she didn't object to what her crew chose to do with their lives.

"Sure," she agreed with a degree of uncertainty.

* * *

Jonas and Gonzo managed to haul Harry into his room, but once they tossed him onto his bed, the drunk pirate rolled off and hit the floor with a painful thud. Harry groaned into the wood and put his hands against it, pushing himself onto his knees. He rolled into a squatting position and tried to straighten his legs, but his knees wobbled, and he crumbled to the ground once more.

"Why's mah bed hart soo much?" Harry whined, punching the ground with a weak fist. "Mah pellow faels like uh piece uh wood."

"It's hard enough to understand his accent when he's sober," Jonas noted.

"Just help me get him back on the bed!" Gonzo snapped at him. They stepped around Harry and bent down to pick him up again, but this time Harry was less compliant. He yanked his arms away from Gonzo and kicked at Jonas's hands.

"Git aff me, ya fishbait," Harry barked at them from his spot on the floor. Jonas and Gonzo exchanged questioning glares, trying to convey some kind of plan to make him cooperate through curt head flicks and hand gestures. Lucky for them, Gil picked the perfect moment to intrude.

"Guys, I got a list of remedies!" He exclaimed triumphantly, "Uma gave me a few options we can use specifically for a drunken sailor early in the morning."

"Uuuuma's here?" Harry croaked, suddenly full of enough energy to push himself up onto his toes and into an unsteady standing position. He took one step forward before once again collapsing to the ground. He mumbled softly with his cheek pressed into the floor, "Whar is she?"

"What do we need to do first?" Jonas asked Gil, ignoring Harry's question. Gil looked down at his list before reading it aloud.

* * *

"Where the hell did you get a rusty razor from?" Gonzo asked Jonas, who triumphantly held up the instrument in question after returning from his quest to find it.

"A good pirate never reveals his secrets," Jonas said smugly.

"That's a magician, you idiot," Gonzo gibed.

"Guys, c'mon we need to focus," Gil called their attention back to the situation at hand. Harry was sitting on the ground and admiring his hook as he usually did. The only difference was he was holding it by the curve and basking in the glory of its handle. Gil checked his list of remedies again and told them, "We need to shave his belly with a rusty razor. We have the razor, but how are we gonna get his shirt off?"

"Are you kidding? It's Harry," Gonzo reminded them like it was obvious. The cocky teen was almost always willing to flex for an audience. "Just ask him–" he looked at Harry "–Hey Harry, take your shirt off."

"No," Harry pouted like a child.

"What?" Gonzo growled.

"Ye cahn't tell meh whaht te doo," Harry stated matter-of-factly, crossing his arms over his chest. "Yer not mah cahpten"

"Did anyone actually catch that?" Jonas inquired, staring at the other two blankly.

"Great. This is just great," Gonzo quipped with bitter sarcasm. "Now all we need to do is go find Uma and have her order Harry to take his shirt off."

"Aye like tha' idea," Harry said, pointing his Hook handle at Gonzo.

"Well, we can't do that," Gil shot back, and Harry muttered to himself dejectedly about wanting to strip for his captain. Gil looked at Gonzo, then at Jonas, making a silent agreement with wide eyes and subtle nods of their heads. They all set their sights on Harry, who noticed the silence and looked up.

"Wha'?"

"Get him!" Gil shouted.

And just like that, a brawl had begun. It wasn't really so much of a brawl as it was three hung-over pirates tackling one really drunk one. Gonzo grabbed Harry's arms, barely dodging a swing of his hook handle in the process. He held Harry's arms behind his back and pinned them there. Harry kicked his legs in a futile attempt to throw Gonzo off, but Jonas threw himself on top on Harry's knees to keep them down. Gil was stuck with the job of actually shaving Harry's belly. Harry thrashed in Gonzo and Jonas's grips and barked intoxicated nonsense while Gil reached for the edge of Harry's shredded tank top. He quickly pulled it up and over his head until it was only hanging on his shoulders, which Gonzo still kept locked behind him. Gil was surprised by what he found.

"There's nothing on him to shave!" He gasped in astonishment.

"What?!" Gonzo growled through gritted teeth.

"I'm serious," Gil affirmed. "He's like a hairless cat."

"He's a ripped hairless cat, though," Jonas noted, sneaking a peak.

"Shut up, Jonas!" Gonzo roared.

Harry took this dip in their focus as his time to counterattack. He headbutted Gil, knocking him back. This distracted Gonzo long enough for Harry to free his arms and shove Jonas off his legs. With his shirt still awkwardly stretched across his back, Harry rolled onto his hand and knees and tried to crawl away, but Gonzo caught one of his feet. Harry tried kicking at him with slurred grunts, but Gonzo held on.

They all went dead silent when they heard a knock at the door.

"Yo Harry, you awake?" Called the all-too-familiar voice of their captain. "I wanna talk. Can I come in?"

"Ye–" Harry started to say, but Gil pounced on him and covered his mouth with his hand, so the rest of Harry's words came out as pitchy muffles. Gonzo and Jonas helped Gil hoist him onto his bed before covering him with a blanket. Gonzo laid on top of him, taking over the role of keeping Harry's mouth clamped shut, and Gil laid beside him so Harry couldn't be seen from the doorway. Jonas placed the discarded hook on the nightstand and grabbed the borrowed razor. After going too long without a reply, Uma got impatient and let herself in.

It was awkward, to say the least. Walking into your first mate's room to find three of your crewmen–two of which were in bed together–while your first mate was nowhere to be found.

"Hey guys," Uma inflected her greeting like a question. "What are you doing here?"

"Um, we're…" Jonas began, looking to the other two for help. He didn't get any. "We're looking for Harry."

"Okay," Uma replied suspiciously. "Where is he?"

There was mild shifting underneath Gonzo, but either Uma didn't notice or she didn't acknowledge it. Jonas shrugged and lied in a squeaky voice, "We have no idea."

"Well, if you see him–" Uma cut herself off when she noticed something. She walked further into the room, and three pairs of eyes widened in alarm, wondering if she saw through their cover-up. However, she didn't go to the bed. Instead, she walked up to Jonas, who started shaking under her interrogative glare. She was staring at his hand.

She swiftly snatched the razor from his hand and stomped her heel into the toe of his boot. While Jonas doubled over in pain and grasped his injured foot, Uma shouted into his face, "Stay out of my stuff!"

She spun around, whipping Jonas in the eye with her braids, and marched out of the room, slamming the door on the way out.

Gonzo and Gil we're finally able to breath easy after she left, and the former removed his hand from Harry's mouth. Once he did, Harry said in a dreamy stupor, "Ain't she uh beauteh?"

"Alright yolks-for-brains," Gonzo said to Gil, who frowned at the name. "What's next on the list?"

* * *

"I don't think this is working," Jonas pointed out.

The next thing on the list was to put him in a long boat until he's sober. They carried Harry–with mild struggling–up to the dinghy which they kept tied at the ship's side. It was the closest thing they had to a long boat on the _Lost Revenge_. They threw Harry into the boat and waited. After ten minutes, he was still shit-faced.

"No kidding," Gonzo shot back.

"I don't get it," Gil wondered aloud, looking over the song Uma gave him. "He should sober up in a long boat."

"Well, he's not," Gonzo stated, referring to how Harry was drawing shapes in the space above him with his fingers, a stupid smile plastered on his face. At some point in the time that past, Harry lost his shirt completely, and he was missing one boot.

"Any minute now, I'm sure," Gil said confidently.

Once again, they were lucky enough to have a visitor.

"Hey, guys."

The three of them spun around to face Uma yet again, and Gil accidentally hit the lever that dispatched the dinghy into the water. The boat dropped into the sea with Harry inside. Uma's expression changed from courteousness to alarm. Jonas and Gonzo turned murderous glares onto Gil, who only shrugged and said, "Oops."

Uma walked around them and looked down at the water below. She saw Harry, shirtless and sprawled out in the dinghy, but she couldn't see how wildly intoxicated he was. She rolled her eyes and shouted down in an annoyed voice, "Harry, I thought told you already! You can't tan in the dinghy!"

"Aye aye, Captain!" Harry shouted back, and he sounded just off-putting enough pass off as Harry when he's sober.

Uma turned her authoritative glower onto the other three. "Get him up here and quit screwing around," she commanded moodily. "I'm not in the mood for this crap."

She stormed off and headed below deck. Once she was gone, the three pirates looked down at the dinghy to see Harry puking his guts out over the edge.

"So," Gil asked awkwardly. "Who's gonna go get him?"

The two both looked at Gil with hard expressions before Gonzo replied, "You're the reason he's down there."

"Happy swimming," offered Jonas.

Gil gulped and held onto the edge of the ship. It was a long way down to the water. He was not looking forward to the jump. Or the part where he had to haul drunk Harry back to the ship.

* * *

"What's next?" Jonas asked when Gil and Harry finally emerged on the upper deck, drenched in seawater. Harry was hanging off of Gil's back, but Gonzo took the drunken sailor's weight so Gil could check the list. Gil pulled the soaked parchment from his jeans and was relieved to find it was still readable.

"Stick him in a barrel with a hosepipe on him," Gil announced.

"Well, here's a barrel," Jonas said proudly, pulling a barrel from the side to the center of the deck. "But where are we going to get a hosepipe?"

"I dunno, but let's get this pain-in-the-ass in the barrel and then find the hosepipe," Gonzo suggested. After throwing up most of yesterday's food into the sea, Harry was less loony and more sleepy and sluggish. Gil and Gonzo each braced one of his arms, ready to lift. Jonas grabbed his feet and pulled them up and into the barrel. Harry groaned with the jerkish movement of his limbs. Gil and Gonzo guided the rest of him into the small container until only his head poked out. They all stared at him for a moment before Gonzo nudged Gil's shoulder. "What else is on this list of yours?"

"Just one more thing, I think," Gil answered, checking his paper. "Yeah, after this, we need to put him in the bed with the captain's daughter."

And just like that, all hope of miraculously making Harry sober faded.

"Well that's just perfect," Gonzo spat in disdain. "We go through all this work just to find out we can't satisfy the last damn item. In case you didn't know, our captain doesn't have a daughter!"

"We'll figure something out," Gil told him, and Gonzo turned away with an angry huff. Suddenly, they heard the door to below deck start to open, and they realized Harry's head was still sticking out of the barrel. Thinking fast, Gil pushed Harry's shoulders down to lower his head into the barrel while Jonas ran to grab the lid. He threw it to Gonzo, who hastily topped the barrel and sat on it. Gil and Jonas stood in front of the barrel, failing to look natural.

Out of the door came–guess who–Uma, accompanied by Desiree, Bonny, and a couple other crewmates. They all headed to the bridge to get off the ship, and Uma called out to the boys, "Meeting starting soon! Make sure you're there!"

"Got it!" Gil hollered back, but then he remembered an important issue. "Wait, Uma!"

Uma stopped and let the rest of her crew go past her, telling them to meet her at the Chip Shoppe. Then, she walked back to the boys and looked at Gil expectantly.

"About the song you gave me," Gil proceeded, and Gonzo gave him a questioning glare. "I have a question about the lyrics."

"Yeah?" Said Uma.

"So, the line about putting the sailor in bed with the captain's daughter," Gil began, and Uma nodded her head in understanding. "What if the captain doesn't have a daughter."

Uma quirked an eyebrow. "Why is this so important?"

"It's for my project," Gil reminded her.

Uma sighed, looking up in thought for a moment before answering, "I dunno, maybe try the captain's sister."

"But what if they're not available," Gil countered.

Uma narrowed her eyes, very unsure about his questions. "How about the captain's wife?"

"Nope," Gil said.

"Captain's mother?"

"Oh God, no," Gil said, cringing at the idea of Ursula and Harry in the same bed.

"Look," Uma stated, clearly irked by his unwillingness to just take her answer and leave her alone. "The whole point of that line is just to imply that the drunken sailor needs to get laid. I'm sure anyone with any connection to the captain will do."

With that, she walked away and off the ship.

Gonzo turned to Gil with an incredulous expression. "You're intoxication cure is a song?"

"Yeah, so?" Gil asked cluelessly, and Gonzo had to fight the urge to strangle him.

"Guys, c'mon," Jonas said, trying to diffuse the situation. "We have to get to that meeting, so what are we gonna do with Harry?"

"Well, you heard Uma," Gonzo replied with a sly smile. "The drunk dude's gotta get some, and it can be anyone with a connection to the captain. I personally think we should take the most _direct_ option."

* * *

Uma realized about five minutes into her crew meeting that she left her maps and planning sheets in her cabin. Usually, she had Harry carry her stuff to and from the ship, but she still hadn't seen him since she caught him sunbathing in the dinghy. She didn't even see him at the meeting.

She entered her room, which was dimly lit by the sun shining in through a small porthole, and closed the door. She strode to her desk and started searching through the scrolls on its surface when she heard shifting and moaning from the other side of her room. She gripped the handle of her cutlass and spun around, ready to face an enemy. Her hand relaxed when she realized the noise was just Harry, shirtless and shoeless, laying on top of her bed.

"So this is where you ran off to," she said with impressed realization, crossing her arms over her chest. She ambled over to the bed as Harry pushed himself into a seated position, one hand on the side of his head and a pained expression on his face. "I was worried you were slacking off."

"I would never," Harry groaned, his diction somewhat clearer now that he was a long time away from when he last drank. His head was also clearer, but he was still far from being a sober saint. He looked up at Uma, a gleam of sweat visible on his forehead. Uma tilted her head and furrowed her brow when she noticed how red his eyes were. Harry noticed her quizzical gaze. "What?" He asked.

"Oh," she said innocently, reaching up to his face flicking some of his bangs to the side. "You're just a little pie-eyed."

Harry nodded his head and chuckled at himself. He squeezed his eyes shut and asked shamefully, "Did I mess up?"

"A little," Uma replied, but she still held a small smile. "I know I told you to stay out of my mom's liquor."

"I wasn't the one who stole it," he said slowly, looking up at her through half-lidded eyes. She gave him a glare that told him she didn't care who took the rum. She only cared about how he conducted himself since what her crew does reflects on her as a captain. He sighed, "But it won't happen again."

"Good," she said, bringing a hand back up to his head and carding her fingers through his hair. His eyes fluttered shut in bliss, and a low purr rumbled in his throat. Uma snickered at his habitual reaction. Moving her hand from his head to his shoulder, she kneeled one knee onto the mattress and reached over Harry to grab a mug from her nightstand. "Now, you need to sober up and–"

Harry effectively cut her off by bringing one hand to her waist, bringing her attention back to him and making her forget about the mug. Harry nuzzled his nose against hers with a catlike smile, and his breath was hot against her skin as he whispered, "Ye know, it's been a while since we've been this close."

Uma smirked and traced her fingers along his jaw, letting him indulge himself with the nose kisses but making sure he didn't steal a peck on the lips. If he tried, she pushed back on his chin with her thumb. "Twelve days," Uma replied smugly, referring to their last little 'retreat.' "But who's counting?"

"Ye know I can't," he remarked, earning a sweet chuckle from Uma. He bit his lip and looked into Uma's eyes. She saw the brief flash of lust within his blue orbs, but she was no stranger to it. Harry craned his neck and planted a lingering kiss on her cheek. His hand reached around to the small of her back, pulling her closer to him. Again, Uma let him be, even after his lips moved from her cheek to her jaw to her ear with a soft hum against her skin.

"C'mon Harry, not now," Uma said with a light laugh. "I have to get back to the meeting."

"Stay," Harry breathed pleadingly into her ear before he moved his worship further down her neck.

"Harry," she said, this time with more force. Harry stopped promptly before pulling away and offering her an apologetic smile. She moved her hands to either side of his head, gently tucking strands of hair behind his ears. His attention was solely focused on her while she spoke. "I'm going to the crew meeting, and you're going to stay here and rest. If you're sober when I come back…" she paused to let the corners of her lips curl upward, "…I'll _consider_ giving you a little more of my time."

Harry's wide grin cracked into a lopsided smile, and he nodded in agreement with her deal. Uma pulled his head towards her and placed a quick kiss on his forehead before patting his cheek and telling him, "Rest up."

Harry obeyed, falling back onto the bed but never taking his eyes off her. Uma stood up and walked back to the desk to grab her materials. Once she had everything she needed, she opened the door to leave, but not before Harry gave her a suggestive whistle and forced one last smile out of her. After she closed the door, she sighed to herself. He was a handful, but he was her handful.

Her smile turned into a scowl when she became aware of the presence of three other handfuls.

"You're all dead," she said threateningly to what appeared to be an empty hallway. She walked off, whistling the well-known tune of _Drunken Sailor._

"See, I told you we're dead!" Gil bragged to Gonzo and Jonas from their hiding place at the end of the corridor.

* * *

 **This was a very random idea, but it was honestly really fun to write. I'm not all about angst guys! I can be funny! Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this drunk pirate fiasco with a bit a Huma at the end. Good Night! -Jojo, who is really bad at going to sleep on the weekends.**


End file.
